Algorithms
by Snavej
Summary: Mai signs up for an dating site after being bullied into it by her friends. On the other side of the city, so does Oliver, due to his brother's antics. [Mairu dating site AU]
1. Chapter 1: Mai

So it was a joke. Or at least… It was supposed to be. But when Mai's selection came through, she had to admit this guy was _very_ attractive.

Like, drool-worthy attractive.

"You're totally going to meet him right?" Michiru demanded.

"Yeah if you don't I am totally snapping him up because wow," Keiko added.

"I don't know guys…"

"Mai are you serious? That guy could be a model!"

"What does his profile say?" Michiru inquired.

"Read it out!" Keiko encouraged.

" _Hello, my name is Oliver and I am a physicist. My brother forced me to sign up for this and I will be quite happy if no one responds."_

"Oh." Michiru's shoulders sagged a bit. "But he was a perfect match though right?"

"89%," Mai read out. "Though the site says anything over 80 is 'perfect' so I'm not so sure abou—"

"I think you should message him," Keiko declared.

"What? He literally said he doesn't want to be contacted!"

"Yes, but he hasn't met you," Keiko said. "What have you got to lose?"

"Well since I lost my dignity signing up for this stupid site—"

"Nothing! Exactly! Here, let me."

Keiko stole the laptop from Mai and began typing.

"Hi, my name is Mai and I would love a chance to meet up with you over coffee sometime—" Keiko was interrupted by Michiru.

"Mai doesn't like coffee, change it to tea."

"Good point. I would love to meet up with you over a nice cup of tea sometime soon."

"I hate you both," Mai muttered.

Michiru was poised, ready to spring at any moment and prevent Mai from regaining control of her laptop. Keiko finished typing and hit send.

"Done."

"I hate you."

"Well in a year or two when you get married and are popping out adorable baby models, you can thank us then," Keiko declared.

"I am not gonna be popping anything out in a year or two!" Mai protested. "That's gross!"

"Mai, seriously." A sudden look came over Michiru's face. "I have just had the best idea."

"Whatever it is, I don't like it already," Mai said. She flopped back onto her bed and groaned.

"Just give me two seconds. I have this app you see…"

Keiko leaned over Michiru's shoulder and grinned.

"Mai look!"

Mai opened her eyes to see three pictures. The top left was her from Keiko's last birthday party. It was a good photo to be fair, but Mai still scowled at it. The top right was Mr Should-be-a-model Physicist. The third, underneath the other two, was a merged photo forced onto a baby's body.

"This is what your kid would look like!"

"That's disturbing," Mai muttered.

"It's adorable!"

"Why do you even have that app?" Mai asked.

"Because I had to see what my future babies with Lee Jinki would look like," Michiru explained. "See, I've saved them. This is—"

"You're weird."

"Says the person that doesn't want to have babies with a model."

"He's not a model," Mai retorted. "He's a physicist."

"Well he should quit his day job and—"

"You know he's probably really clever if he does physics," Michiru mused. "Your babies will be smart and beautiful."

"Can we please stop discussing my non-existent babies?" Mai asked.

"But—"

"Have you seen the second guy on Mai's list of matches?" Keiko interrupted. "This guy is a banker! He's gonna be loaded!"

"And a arsehole!" Michiru added. "All bankers do is just scrounge people out of money and avoid tax. I'm not letting Mai—"

"She could marry him, steal his money and then divorce him and get with the model!"

Mai, at that point, decided to switch off her hearing. The dating site had had a free trial offering and as both of her friends were 'taken' — Keiko by a real boyfriend and Michiru by Lee Jinki — they had signed her up.

Filling out the questions had been fun. There was something satisfying about filling out the form of her likes and dislikes.

"—Eugh, this guy is like fifty! That's just creepy, I swear. Mai, did you limit your preferences on the other person at all?" Michiru interrupted her thoughts.

"I wasn't given the option to?"

"Really?"

"Nah, that's a premium feature that isn't available in the free trial," Mai mumbled. "Have you replied to any others?"

"Nah, Mr Model is definitely your best match. This guy here likes collecting goat hair jumpers," Keiko said.

"Is that a thing?"

"Apparently so," Keiko mused. "Although he's dyed the one in the picture. I supposed it's not hideous."

"We're not setting Mai up with a goat hair jumper hoarder. I'd rather the banker than that…" Michiru said. "I'm thirsty, Mai what have you got in?"

"So first you invite yourselves around and now you want me to provide you with sustenance?" Mai asked in mock annoyance.

"If you quench my thirst I shall order chinese," Michiru declared, twisting into a kneeling position. She bowed down to Mai, hands clasped together.

Mai rolled her eyes.

"Okay, but I want hoisin duck wraps and that fancy egg fried rice," she relented. "I've got stuff to make smoothies, or tea, or I have some coffee. It's Yasuhara's and super fancy but he won't mind."

Keiko jumped up.

"Smoothies!" she decided. "I'll make them! You guys get ordering chinese."

Ten minutes later, they had placed the food order and were all sipping mango and pineapple smoothies from mason jars. Keiko had taken pictures to put on instagram with a suitably flattering filter.

"We should watch a film," Mai suggested. "Go on Netflix and find something, I'm just gonna pop to the loo."

"Will do."

Mai scrambled out of bed and shuffled down the hallway to the bathroom. She sighed, exhausted by her well-meaning friends and locked the door behind her. Her sudden need for the toilet had nothing to do with her bladder and more with her desire to breathe.

When she finally returned, Keiko questioned her absence.

"You were gone a long time, everything okay?"

Mai held up her phone.

"Sorry, cat videos morphed into puppies and baby videos. Seriously, pets protecting tiny humans are so cute."

"Have you seen that one with the—"

"Oh my god," Michiru exclaimed. "Mai! He replied! Mr Model replied!"

"What?" Keiko and Mai replied together.

"What did he say?"

Michiru read aloud.

" _Hello Mai. How about dinner tomorrow at the Villa Verdi at 8PM? Oliver."_

"Short and to the point," Keiko surmised. But Michiru was already googling the restaurant.

"Mai. This place has a Michelin star! You should go just for the food if nothing else!"

"I can't go anywhere fancy! I don't have the clothes for that!" Mai protested.

"It's also vegetarian," Michiru went on. "He's a veggie?"

"Is that a problem?"

"Well aren't they kind of weak? I don't want anything less than a big strong man to give you big strong babies!"

"Seriously, drop the baby thing," Mai muttered.

"And don't be daft," Keiko went on, "As long as he eats other proteins he's fine. I say go for it."

"Yeah, go for the food, it's bound to be good."

Mai sighed.

"Okay then."

And her friends squealed.

* * *

 **Author's note: So this is a gonna be a load of shorter chapters just because it's working out that way so far... Chapter 2 is written, I'll post it once I've written Chapter 3!**


	2. Chapter 2: Oliver

"Well, has she replied yet?" Gene asked.

"I literally sent the message two seconds ago. Even if she is at her laptop, it will take her time to type a reply."

Oliver sat back in his chair and rolled his eyes. Gene propped his head up on his hands while lying on the bed.

"I can't believe you got such good results," Gene muttered. "Mine were crap."

Oliver rolled his eyes again.

"You only considered yours 'crap' because they were female."

"Well in this day and age you'd think there would be a sexual preference option, you know?"

"There is," Oliver replied, "In the paid version."

Gene scowled.

"That is homophobic and stupid."

"Agreed. But I'm sure they would get around that potential lawsuit by saying that your options list contains both genders if you scroll down it far enough."

"Like anyone has time for that."

"People desperate enough to use online dating—"

"Are you calling me desperate?" Gene demanded in mock offence.

"Well, it was your daft idea to do this in the first place."

"Yeah, well, you might get a date out of it," Gene said. "That'll thrill Mum. Even if it goes badly, she'll stay off your case for at least a month."

"A month?" Oliver scowled, his disgust obvious. "I will play it up. Perhaps she'll lay off until the new year."

"It'd have to go really bad for you to get away with that," Gene muttered.

Oliver's eyes slowly widened.

"Really bad, you say…"

"I don't like that face," Gene said, sitting up. "What idea have you had?"

"Well, I am very good at upsetting people by just existing it seems," Oliver mused. "So if I try, it can go awfully. Then I can blame it on the other person in Luella's company and can be 'put off dating' for a long while." He enunciated his speech with air quotes.

Gene frowned.

"So you are going to try and upset someone?"

"No, not upset, just make the entire affair so awkward that there is no chance that they will want to come again."

"But this girl has a high compatibility with—"

"Those algorithms are complete rubbish. Studies have been done that show that physical proximity of living arrangements has more to do than any of the other factors. The rest of the questions they are quite literally pointless."

Gene sighed.

"You have take the fun out of everything, don't you?"

"It's not taking the fun out of it, it's sharing facts."

They sat in silence for a few moments.

"Just, don't make her cry, alright?"

"You're assuming she's going to accept."

"She has."

Gene pointed to the screen. Oliver looked around and saw the reply.

" _Hi, I would love to meet you! From Mai."_

"Is that all she said?" Gene sounded almost disappointed.

"Yes."

"Hmm… But you're going to go right?"

"Yes. I want Luella off my back," Oliver stated.

Gene screwed his face up.

"Promise you won't make her cry?"

Oliver rolled his eyes, swivelled in his chair and typed something in.

"There."

"There?"

Oliver nodded his head towards the screen. Gene groaned and got off the bed to read.

" _My brother has advised me to tell you that I am socially awkward and upset people without realising it._ "

"See, now she'll be expecting it to be awful."

"Or she won't turn up!"

"Even better," Oliver said. "Then I can tell Luella I was stood up and don't ever want to do this again. I can play the emotionally traumatised card. It's perfect. Either way I win."

"You're dreadful."

Gene sat back on the bed and shook his head.

"If this turns on it's head," he warned. "I am not digging you out of any holes."

Oliver rolled his eyes and sent his brother a pointed look.

"Really?"

"Fine, I'll dig you out of any hole I think I can try and dig you out of! But I will not be happy about it and you will have to listen to me complain about it for a long, long time."

Oliver stood up, patted Gene on the shoulder and walked out of the room.

"Thanks Gene."

Gene looked at the screen in front of him and his eyes fixed on the photograph of the young woman. Mai. He grimaced, foreseeing her pain.

"Please don't make her cry…"

* * *

 **Author's note: So Chapter 3 needed _a lot_ of research. You'll see. **


	3. Chapter 3: Mai

Mai was not going to admit to Keiko and Michiru how long she took to get ready for her date. She had played down the entire thing when they had been about but now it actually came to it…

Well, she did not want it to be a complete disaster. Even if it did not work out, she wanted to have a nice evening.

She tried outfit after outfit, searching for the perfect combination. She wanted to look good but not like she had tried too hard. Mai threw the knitted jumper onto her bed. It was too hot for that. What about the cute lacy top? What would go with her khaki jacket…

"Is this too risque?"

Mai twirled in front of the mirror. Was it too much?

Her eyes flicked to her alarm clock and swore.

"I'm going to be late."

She grabbed her bag and decided that this outfit would have to do. Assuming the bus was on time, she would arrive on the hour. Michiru would no doubt say that she should be fashionably late, but somehow this did not sit well with Mai. It felt rude.

Mai jumped on the bus, swiped her pass and took a seat next to an elderly man; the only seat remaining. Suddenly very conscious of her clothing choices, she regretted the lacy top. It showed too much of her non-existent cleavage and was bound to snag on something and—

"Excuse me, Miss, I need to get off!"

"Oh sorry!"

Mai jumped out of the old man's way and let him off before retaking her seat. The top is fine. It goes with her jeans. What is the point in having nice things if she wasn't going to wear them?

Mai forced her attention to the small child in the pram at the front of her bus. Said small child was chewing a giraffe toy's head and giggling. Oh life was so much easier then…

Ten minutes later, Mai departed the bus and started walking. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and checked the map. This area of town was a little nicer than she usually frequented.

She looked up and spotted the dark green sign of the restaurant. Once inside, she gave Oliver's name to the waiter who greeted her and was directed to a table by the window. The restaurant was a nice mix of old and new. Clean modern lines sat alongside old wooden tables. The occasional plant gave life to the room while the lighting flooded every crevice. Oliver was every bit as handsome as his photo. Mai had wondered if he'd used photoshop or clever lighting as so many people did for social media photos.

Nope.

He was just drop dead gorgeous.

Mai snapped her mouth shut so that she did not look like a gormless oaf.

"Hi," she said, holding out a hand. "I'm Mai."

"I'm Dr Oliver Davis."

"It's nice to meet you, Oliver," Mai said, taking her seat.

"Actually, I would prefer it if you called me Dr Oliver Davis."

Mai stared. She blinked several times and gulped.

"Sorry, I didn't—"

"I don't like people I don't know acting so familiarly with me."

Mai searched his face for any hint of a joke. Yet his features remained entirely passive. He wanted to be called by his full name. Mai had to shut her gaping mouth again.

"Sorry," Mai repeated. "I won't do it again."

She stared down at the menu until the waiter turned up to take their drink order.

"Water," Oliver said.

"And for the young lady?"

Mai looked long and hard at the alcoholic drinks section of the menu, then thought that staying sober with a stranger might be a good idea.

"Orange juice please."

The waiter noted it down and walked away.

"Orange juice is very acidic, you will get heartburn if you're not careful," Oliver said instantly. "My brother is a medical doctor so I know these things."

Mai's eyes could not widen any further in her attempt to contain her disbelief. He had sent her a message about being socially awkward but this was something else.

"I'll be careful then," she forced out. "What would you recommend from the menu?"

"The halloumi."

"Is it good?"

"Would I have recommended it otherwise?" Oliver raised an eyebrow but offered no further comment.

The waiter returned with their drinks and inquired whether they were ready to order their food.

"Yes," Oliver said. "She'll have the halloumi. I'll have the lasagna."

The waiter looked momentarily surprised but smiled and nodded and walked away. Mai opened her mouth to object but Oliver cut her off.

"So am I satisfactorily handsome for you?" he demanded.

"Excuse me?" Mai spluttered.

"Are you deaf? Am I handsome enough?"

"Um, sure?"

"So you think I'm handsome?" he clarified.

"Yes?"

"You have good taste. So according to my plan for this date, we need to spend the next ten minutes discussing hobbies. What hobbies do you have? I like making spreadsheets," Oliver stated. "Look, here's the one I made for this date."

He pulled out his phone and unlocked it to reveal a spreadsheet, colour coded to allocate different topics to different times.

"That's so… Organised," Mai said.

"Yes, I even have my ear cleaning schedule in it."

"I'm sorry, your what?"

"Ear cleaning schedule. Keeping your ears clean is very important. My brother is a medical doctor, so I know about these things."

"Cleanliness is very important," Mai agreed. Under the table, she pinched her leg. It hurt.

"So your hobbies?" he prompted.

"Well I like to—" Mai began.

"I have another spreadsheet for my pet cactus. I have to monitor its water levels very closely because many people overwater their cacti and I don't want to make such an elemental mistake."

"So you like plants?"

"No."

Their food arrived. Mai eagerly tucked into hers to avoid having to attempt conversation any further. It seemed like Oliver was going to do the same thing, when after five minutes of eating, he downed his knife and fork and pulled a small packet out of his jacket pocket.

Curious, Mai watched as he unfolded a small grooming kit and began to poggle a metallic device in his ear.

Oliver noticed Mai watching him and nodded importantly.

"Ear hygiene is essential."

Mai looked back down at her food and suddenly could not eat any more.

"Hmm, my earwax looks a bit dark, don't you think?"

He offered the metal instrument to Mai so she could examine the lump of earwax on the end. She shook her head, refusing to touch it.

"Why don't you ask your brother?" Mai suggested with a grimace.

"That is a surprisingly good idea from you," he muttered as he wrapped the earwax up in a napkin and pocketed it. "How is your food?"

"It's fine."

"You haven't eaten a lot of it."

"I'm a slow eater," Mai lied.

The words 'why am I still being polite?' echoed around her head. She shook them away. This could not last much longer. Right?

Oliver reached forward and spiked a bit of asparagus from Mai's plate onto his fork. She watched, incredulous, as he forced the entire thing into his mouth. Her incredulation turned to disgust as he continued to eat it, chewing with his mouth open.

Saliva slapped against his tongue and the half-chewed vegetable.

Nope.

That was it. The last straw.

"I have to go to the bathroom," Mai said quickly.

She grabbed her bag and started to walk away when he called after her.

"Why are you taking your bag?"

She replied with the first thing that came to mind.

"I need to change my tampon."

"Good idea, you don't want to get Toxic Shock Syndrome."

Not knowing how to respond to that, Mai turned around and practically ran into the bathroom. She slammed the door behind her and locked it, then searched for an escape route.

The window was high, but looked large enough for her to squeeze through. Mai closed the toilet lid and climbed on top. She unlatched the window and forced it open.

"Totally gonna fit…" she mumbled.

Using the cistern as a bolster, Mai hoisted herself up and stuck her torso through the window. As she balanced on her stomach, she pushed her bag through and let it drop to the floor of the otherwise abandoned alleyway. She kept a firm grip on the window ledge as the rest of her body wriggled out.

As carefully as she could, Mai lowered herself down to the floor and landed with a slight flump.

She breathed a deep sigh of relief and started walking back to the bus stop.

"Nice tits darlin'!"

Mai barely registered the verbal assault. Yet when the words connected with meaning in her brain, she looked down to see that her beautiful lace top had ripped wide open.

Scarlet faced, Mai wrapped her jacket tight around her and ran the rest of the way home.

"I am never internet dating again!"

* * *

 **Author's note: So searching for "the worst dates ever" and "horrific dating stories" was a lot of fun, thank you Kel for your assistance! I only used a smidgeon of the ideas we found, so if you want a last/to be horrified, go look it up!**


	4. Chapter 4: Oliver

Oliver glanced at his phone. Mai had not returned from the toilet yet and it had been almost twenty minutes. He flicked through his contacts and phoned his brother.

"Noll?" Gene answered.

"I think she climbed out of the toilet window."

"What?"

"Well she went to the toilet twenty minutes ago and has not returned," Oliver explained. "I can only assume she's having gastrointestinal issues or she has escaped out of the window. Either way her food is cold."

"What on earth did you do?" Gene demanded.

"Only half of the suggestions I found on the internet. I ordered her food for her, didn't let her finish her sentences, insulted her, um, oh and I cleaned my ears out in front of her."

"You what?"

"I think my earwax looks a little dark by the way, what is that a sign of?"

"Nothing, dark earwax isn't a problem unless it's bloody. Noll, I thought you were going to be awkward, not disgusting?" Gene's exasperated voice rang out of the phone's speaker, but Oliver remained impervious to his tone.

"It worked, didn't it?"

Oliver heard Gene sigh.

"I'm going to pay and leave, I don't think she's coming back."

Gene sighed again.

"See you when you get home."

Oliver hung up and caught the waiter's attention. He paid, leaving a generous tip, and checked the alleyways surrounding the restaurant on his way out. There was an open window. Nodding, Oliver started back towards his car.

* * *

"She deleted her account," Gene greeted Oliver as he walked through the front door.

"Hmm?"

"She deleted her account. Whatever you did was so bad that she deleted her account."

"Okay." Oliver took off his jacket and hung it up.

"You don't care?" Gene asked, twisting in his seat to stare at his brother.

"Why would I? I got what I wanted out of it. A good story to tell Luella."

"You're despicable."

Gene turned back in his seat.

Oliver frowned at his brother.

"She didn't cry."

"Not that you saw," Gene muttered. "You told me you were just going to be awkward."

"You're upset," Oliver commented.

"You were rude and disgusting! That poor girl is probably scared!"

"She'll get over it."

Gene rolled his eyes.

"I'm going to apologise to her," Gene stated.

"She deleted her account."

"Yeah and I have her name, she'll be on Facebook."

Oliver left the room. He headed up to his room, closing the door behind him and slumping into his desk chair. He opened up his laptop and waited for it to load with a frown on his face.

He opened the browser and it automatically loaded the last page he looked at, the dating site.

 **This person's account no longer exists. Click** _ **here**_ **to return to your home page.**

He clicked the link and returned to the home page with every intention of deleting his account. Oliver began the process of removing every trace of his existence from the site. He was deleting several attempts at conversation by other women when his brother walked in.

"I found her on Facebook."

Oliver did not reply.

"I sent her a message."

Again, Oliver did not reply.

"I'll let you know if she replies."

Oliver sighed pointedly. The door closed somewhere behind him. If he was completely honest with himself, he did feel the slightest bit guilty about using Mai the way he did.

She'd get over it.

If she understood the pain he went through every time Luella brought up the topic of 'when was he going to find a nice young lady and settle down and give her grandbabies' then he wasn't so sure that Mai would object. Her biography on the site had said something about 'being friendly' and 'up for doing anything fun'. Helping someone out with their overbearing mother was certainly friendly and… Well, not what Oliver would classify as fun, but some people were weird.

"I think you should apologise yourself."

Oliver jumped out of his seat and turned to find Gene sat on his bed.

"You didn't leave," he accused.

"Nope," Gene replied. "But you're feeling guilty."

"No I'm not."

Gene raised an eyebrow and sat back further on the bed.

"You know," Gene began, "I was thinking about this whole thing."

"What whole thing?"

"The whole dating site fiasco. Why did you do it in the first place?"

"Because you made me," Oliver replied, retaking his seat and angling it so he could talk to his twin.

"Yeah, but you could have refused."

"I was trying to be supportive," Oliver deadpanned.

"Yeah, but you could have been supportive in other ways," Gene pointed out. "This was probably one of the more invasive methods of being supportive. Which is something you're usually against."

"Your point being?"

"I think you were curious about dating yourself," Gene stated. Oliver scoffed, but Gene went on, "And then when it got all a bit too much and too real, you backed off. You turned it into an excuse to get Luella off your back."

"That's ridiculous."

"Why? It's not weird to not want to be alone."

"I'm not alone," Oliver said. "I have you."

"Yeah, and I am actively looking for a romantic partner. We're 25 years old, Noll, it's not like we're getting any younger."

"You make it sound like we're about to die."

"And I'm trying to tell you that I may not always be here!" Gene hissed. "What if I find someone? I'll want to move in with them, Noll! I think you realised this. I think you're scared of being alone."

"You're being preposterous. If you've quite finished, I'd like to read in peace and quiet."

Oliver turned his chair back around and waited for his brother to leave.

"It's not a sin to want someone, Noll."

The door opened and closed. Oliver looked around to check his brother had really gone this time. When sure he was actually alone, Oliver let the tension out of his shoulders.

He scowled at the closed doorway and rubbed his forehead.

Why did Gene have to make him think about these emotions? It was much easier just squishing them down into a dark void and avoiding them.

Oliver slammed the lid of his laptop down and retreated to his bed, where he retrieved a book from his bedside table and began to read. Or at least, he tried to.

Within five minutes he replaced the book and chose instead to stare at the ceiling.

"Stupid Gene."

* * *

 **Author's note: Thank you all so much for your reviews, I know I'm not replying to them all but half the time I don't know what to say! Chapter 5 is written and I'll just warn you, Yasuhara is just... *sigh* I don't know what I'm going to do with him. Please review :)**


	5. Chapter 5: Mai

"Yasuhara, you free this evening?" Mai called over the top of her desk.

"Yeah, why?"

"Fancy coming around? I'll cook?"

"Sure."

And so that evening, Mai cooked dinner for Yasuhara. He brought ice cream and after eating, they slumped in front of the TV. Neither of them paid attention to the show.

"So what happened?" Yasuhara asked.

"I'm not sure you'll believe me."

"I literally argue with criminals every day, I've heard some pretty wild stories," Yasuhara pointed out and Mai laughed.

"Okay, but did any of them start cleaning their ears at the dinner table?"

"Seriously, he did that?"

Mai twisted around in her seat.

"Yes! I couldn't believe it! And he kept going on about spreadsheets and interrupting me! And he wanted me to call him 'Doctor Oliver Davis' every time I said his name!"

"Wait, what? That's ridiculous!"

"I know!" Mai exclaimed. "So I climbed out the bathroom window and snagged my lacy top on the window and exposed myself to the world. I am never dating again. Ever."

"You were wearing a bra right?" Yasuhara asked, concerned.

"Of course I was!"

"Okay but you have gone out not wearing a bra before."

"Yasuhara if you had tits as small as mine you wouldn't bother half the time either!" Mai protested. "Anyway, the reason I wanted you here—"

"So it wasn't just to complain?"

"—Was because I want to make a pact with you."

"What?"

"So if we both reach 40, we'll get married and be old people together," Mai explained. "I'm not dating ever again. So assuming you don't find anyone either, then we'll be sorted in old age."

"Right."

"So what do you say?"

Yasuhara blinked stupidly.

"Sure."

"Excellent. I want more ice cream."

Mai jumped up and portioned out the rest of the ice cream into their bowls. She handed Yasuhara his and slumped back into the sofa.

"It gets worse," Mai mumbled after a mouthful of ice cream. "His brother messaged me to apologise."

"What?"

Mai pulled her phone out of her pocket and unlocked it. She loaded Facebook Messenger and passed it to Yasuhara. She watched as Yasuhara's eyes scanned the screen.

"Aww, well at least his brother sounds like a nice person."

"Yeah but it's weirder than that! They're twins!"

Yasuhara clicked on the profile picture.

"Damn, he's hot."

"I know right but like what do I reply to that?" Mai asked. "He's all 'Noll's not usually this weird' and stuff. What do I say?"

"You don't _have_ to say anything, you know?" Yasuhara pointed out, handing the phone back.

"Yeah, but I feel like I ought to."

"Hmmm… How about I do it?"

"What?" Mai frowned.

"I'll reply for you!" Yasuhara said, evidently thrilled by this suggestion.

Mai blinked twice and then scowled.

"Could you keep it in your pants for like two seconds? I have a real issue here."

"What?"

"I don't care how 'hot' you think this guy is, focus!"

Yasuhara pouted.

"I am trying to help you."

"And get into his pants," Mai accused.

"Can you blame me?"

"You don't even know if he's into guys!" Mai exclaimed before sighing. She grabbed Yasuhara's bowl of ice cream and tipped it into her own.

"Hey that's no fair!"

"If you're getting a boyfriend, I get your ice cream."

Yasuhara narrowed his eyes at her.

"So I can talk to him?"

"I can't stop you," Mai said. She scooped up more of her ice cream and stuffed it into her mouth. "Just I dunno. Tell him I appreciate his apology or something."

Yasuhara laughed.

"You appreciate him trying to excuse his brother's behaviour?"

"Well, yeah. It makes me feel less crazy or something, I dunno."

Mai began scraping the bottom of her bowl.

"I want more ice cream," she mumbled. "Why is it all gone?"

"Because you ate it all."

"Why do you torture me with logic?"

Yasuhara laughed as he pulled out his phone.

"So what's this guy's name?"

"Gene Davis, his picture is him next to a beehive."

"What? A beehive?" Yasuhara asked, eyebrow raised.

"Look, you can ask him that, it's a great conversation starter."

Yasuhara affected a slightly higher voice and said, "Hi, my friend sort of accepts your apologies for your weirdo brother and by the way, why are you standing next to a beehive?"

"Perfect. You'll be in his pants in no time," Mai said, laughing.

"Yeah and you know what beehives mean right?"

"Being stung?"

Yasuhara rolled his eyes.

"Honey. And I would not mind licking honey off him anytime."

"Oh my— Just get out." Mai tried to hit Yasuhara with a cushion. "That is not a mental image I want in my brain."

"Just imagine it," Yasuhara teased, still batting away the cushion. "Golden honey dripping all over his pe—"

"Ewww!" Mai squealed and covered her ears. "You're the worst!"

"And to think you want to marry me if we hit 40, I'm only going to get worse…" Yasuhara sighed dramatically.

"I'm rethinking that. Maybe Michiru will give up on Lee Jinki and consider me instead…"

"Really Mai? You think you can compete with Lee Jinki?" Yasuhara asked, eyebrow raised.

"What is it with everyone and this man? I don't get it."

Yasuhara sighed again.

"Okay, I'm going to message this Gene fellow."

"What are you going to say?"

" _Hi_ , always a good place to start, _I am Osamu Yasuhara, Mai Taniyama's friend. She felt uncomfortable replying so I am doing it for her. She appreciates your apology on behalf of your brother and I think you're super cute_ —"

"You're not really saying that are you?"

"Why not?"

"That's so forward!" Mai objected. "Be a bit more subtle."

"Fine, fine… _and I am wondering what is up with the beehive?_ There, acceptable?"

"Yeah, that's better."

"I'll tell him he's cute next time then."

Mai rolled her eyes.

"Insufferable."

"Mai! He's replying!"

"What?"

"The little bubble thing!"

Mai shuffled over to read over Yasuhara's shoulder.

" _Hi, it's nice to meet you! Yeah, Noll really is an idiot! I'm so sorry if Mai got upset! In fact, if she did, please let me know so I can guilt Noll into never doing this shit again. Especially if she cried,_ " Yasuhara read out. " _And I keep bees! Well, I started in secondary school and they're still at my parents house technically because they have a massive garden full of flowers. But I pop back to care for them as often as I need too!"_

"He actually keeps bees," Mai deadpanned.

" _Is your honey any good?_ " Yasuhara typed.

" _Yeah! My mum has a load of roses and you can sort of taste it! Want to try some?"_

"Okay I am not reading any more I do not want to know where it goes."

Mai shuffled away.

"All he has done is offered us a pot of honey as an apology," Yasuhara muttered, chuckling. " _I'll give you a pot for free as long as you share it with Mai as a further apology._ So get your head out of the gutter."

"Well you aren't licking honey off me either. Even when we're married." Mai stuck her tongue out at Yasuhara.

"Damn."

"Eww! You're so gross! Okay, the deal is off! I will ask someone else."

Yasuhara cackled with laughter.

"You're so easy to wind up."

Mai blew a raspberry at him.

* * *

 **Author's note: So that last chapter was... Fun! And this chapter was... More fun :D Btw, finished Chapter 6 just now and Gene gets run over :D**


	6. Chapter 6: Oliver

The following Saturday, Gene disappeared off to go shopping. Oliver had no idea what Gene needed to shop for, he had more than enough clothes and their household stores were fully stocked.

Nevertheless, Gene had gone.

Oliver planned to use this peaceful time wisely. He had a lot of reading he wanted to do without Gene glaring at him. Because that is all Gene had been doing. All week.

No matter what he did — and that included offering to cook for Gene — Gene continued to glare at him. This surprised Oliver somewhat, how long was Gene going to hold a grudge about this for? Surely the offer to cook — even if he had no intention of actually doing it — would be enough to distract Gene from this whole business with the Mai girl.

Apparently not.

Oliver sighed, realising he had not read a single word of the book in front of him. How long had Gene been away already? Oliver glanced at the clock. Half an hour. He had wasted half an hour.

He swore and forced his eyes to focus on the book.

He managed two sentences before giving up. Tea. Tea would help. Oliver stood up and walked into the kitchen. He flicked on the kettle and waited, silently resolving to put this matter behind him.

It was history.

He poured his tea and returned to the living room to find his phone ringing. Or rather, vibrating. The 'ringing' function was too annoying have on constantly. Thus his phone was reduced to the vibration function. Even that annoyed him.

Oliver picked it up and answered it.

"Hello? Is this Oliver?"

"Who is speaking?"

"Hi, your brother is Gene right? He just got run over and—"

"Where are you?"

"The cafe opposite the cinema."

Oliver hung up and pulled on his shoes, grabbed his keys, wallet and phone and ran out of the door. He sprinted down the street, panting for breath, barely waiting at each set of lights until he found himself outside of the cinema.

He searched around, looking for the scene of an accident. Sucking air into his lungs, he panicked when he couldn't see any paramedics. What had the voice said? The cafe?

Oliver ran — or at this stage, stumbled — towards the cafe. He burst through the door and—

"Noll! You made it! Hey!"

Oliver looked around and stared at his twin, who was sat at the nearest table, drinking coffee with a grin on his face.

"What," Oliver deadpanned.

"Come and sit down, do you want a drink? I'll get you one," Gene offered.

"What happened to the 'being run over'?" Oliver demanded, his face red from breathlessness… And anger.

"Oh, I ran him over on my bike," Gene's tablemate said.

Oliver stared at this new man.

"You're the one that phoned me," Oliver accused.

"Yes, Gene told me it was the best way to get you here. I'm Yasuhara." He held out his hand to Oliver, but Oliver did not take it.

"You tricked me."

"I'm fine by the way, maybe a bruise or two— Hey! Noll, come back!" Gene shouted after his retreating twin.

"I'm going home."

"No! Stay!" Gene grabbed his arm and dragged him back to the table. "Look you have to stay for another ten minutes and then you can go."

Oliver scowled.

"You have two minutes to convince me."

Gene and Yasuhara shared a look before Yasuhara grinned.

"We can work with that," Yasuhara said, pulling out his phone and sending a rapid text.

Oliver eyed him with suspicion.

"I'll get you a drink, what do you want? Tea?" Gene offered quickly. Oliver nodded and Gene jumped up to comply.

"Get a pot to share," Yasuhara said. Gene gave a thumbs up and headed to the back of the queue. "I'm sorry for worrying you. It was Gene's idea."

"I know it was. I presume you know the story of the boy who cried wolf?"

"Point taken," Yasuhara said in an apologetic tone. "I'm sorry again."

Oliver looked away and his eyes widened.

"This is a set up."

Yasuhara looked around and spotted what Oliver had noticed.

"Ah, yes, well…"

Gene brought over a tray with a teapot of earl grey tea and two tea cups.

"Ah, look who happens to be here!" he exclaimed. "What a coincidence!"

At that moment, Mai walked through the doors of the cafe and spotted Yasuhara, Gene and Oliver. Her face went blank before she glared at Yasuhara. She stomped over to the table and scowled.

"Really? First, you threaten to lick honey off of me and now this? I'm leaving." She turned on her heel and managed two steps before Yasuhara grabbed her hand and pulled her back. She fell into his lap. "Oi! Let me go!"

"No, we brought you tea now just sit down and drink it."

Mai shuffled into the seat, glanced at the teapot and poured herself a cup.

"If this is all some stupid plot to get me to apologise, I'm not going to," Oliver muttered.

"Yasuhara, did I mention to you that he literally cleaned his ears in front of me?" Mai asked in a forced airy voice. "Oh and that he interrupted every time I tried to speak?"

"That is incorrect," Oliver objected. "I let you finish your sentences sometimes."

Mai sent daggers his way, but Oliver just shrugged and poured his own tea.

"He also ordered for me, did I mention that, Yasuhara?"

Although she said his name, her question was quite pointedly aimed at Oliver.

"The reviews for the halloumi were supposed to be good."

"And now he's trying to defend himself! Can you believe this?"

Mai turned in her seat to address Yasuhara properly, but both he and Gene had disappeared. Her mouth dropped open.

"They left a few minutes ago," Oliver commented, sipping his tea.

"Eugh. That man is so frustrating."

"Hmm."

"And why are you still here?" she demanded.

"Tea."

Mai scowled again and drank a little of her own.

"They want me to apologise."

"So do I," Mai mumbled. "That was the worst date I have ever been on."

"Good. That was my intention."

"What? Why?!"

"So that I could tell my mother truthfully that I attempted to date and that the girl ran away and that I am so terribly scarred that I cannot possibly do it again," Oliver said, the sarcasm dripping from his voice.

"And you couldn't just lie because?" Mai asked, tired of this folly.

"My mother has an inbuilt lie detector that I have not learnt to beat consistently."

Mai rolled her eyes.

"You know, you could have just told me that to start with and saved me a lot of disgust and pain and embarrassment," she muttered.

"Embarrassment?"

"My top snagged and broke when I climbed out of the window," Mai mumbled. "I exposed myself."

"That was careless of you."

"Are you always this rude?"

"According to my brother, yes."

Mai bristled. She downed the rest of her tea and left the cafe without so much as a backwards glance. Oliver watched her go, the sunlight shining off her hair that swished from side to side as she walked. The tiny pang of guilt in his stomach grew, if only a smidge.

He finished his tea, sighed and then set about searching for his brother.

* * *

 **Author's note: So maybe Gene didn't really get run over properly but I'm a bitch and I like teasing you all so... Also. Next chapter is from Yasuhara's POV as per beejinki's request. It seems I take requests now. Sometimes.**


	7. Bonus Chapter 7: Yasuhara

**Author's note: Bonus Chapter for Beejinki!**

* * *

The entire point of having a bike when living in a city was that a person could zip in between cars, people and other less movable things, like lampposts, with relative ease. They could get to places faster than cars or pedestrians without having to pay for parking or fuel, save the food they had to put in their body.

For these reasons, Yasuhara loved cycling.

But there were downsides to cycling. Namely, cars and pedestrians. Cars seemed to think they owned the roads — which, Yasuhara would like to point out, they do not.

"But we pay road tax," the drivers would cry. Little did they know that the roads were paid for out of council tax, something that most cyclists still paid.

Pedestrians, on the other hand, seemed to think that cycle paths are for them too. But they are not. They really, really are not and Yasuhara would let them know that by dinging his bell very pointedly at them and righteously yelling when he eventually got past them.

All in all, cycling covered all his exercise and venting needs in one foul swoop.

The other, less obvious downside to cycling was that Yasuhara often lulled himself into a false sense of security. He often found himself putting off leaving places because he _knew_ cycling there would not take _that_ long.

And so on Saturday morning, he did not leave until seven minutes before he was due to meet Gene to collect his jar of honey. He had been so distracted by the latest k-pop news article that he had completely forgotten the time.

By the time he noticed, dressed and collected his things together, he had seven minutes to get there.

Yasuhara loved his bike. It had a sleek design, dropped handlebars, several gears and a pannier rack for his work bag. He knew that he could manage the journey as long as the lights were favourable.

As he raced through the streets, past the traffic and menagerie of different buildings, Yasuhara grinned to himself. He had been looking forward to this meeting all week. Even if officially he was 'thoroughly annoyed' on Mai's behalf and 'determined to get a decent apology'.

Yasuhara was so distracted by his thoughts that as the cinema loomed on his left, he almost barrelled straight into a pedestrian. He had not seen said pedestrian as they had just appeared from behind the stopped-by-traffic truck on his right.

He screeched to a halt, swearing blindly as he attempted not to fall off his bike.

"What the hell—" Yasuhara began, before realising who was standing in front of him. "Are you— Are you Gene?"

Gene beamed, despite almost being run over.

"Yes! Well this was good timing, I thought I was going to be late, but it looks like you are too," he replied. "Come on! Let me buy you a drink."

Yasuhara tried — oh, how he tried — to keep a stern face. He was _supposed to be annoyed_. He soaked in Gene's smile, basking in it's beauty and warmed by its radiance.

 _Shit._

He forced his face out of the dopey grin that was starting to form and attempted a neutral expression.

"I'll have a black coffee please."

"Sugar?"

 _You're sweet enough already_ —

"No, thank you. I'll just lock my bike up."

Gene nodded and headed into the cafe. Yasuhara cursed at himself as he lent his bike up against the rack and began to wind the lock around its frame.

"Get yourself together," Yasuhara muttered to himself.

He checked the lock, straightened up, took a deep breath and headed into the cafe. Gene had literally just collected the tray that held two mugs of coffee. He nodded towards an empty table and they both headed for it.

Yasuhara sat down opposite Gene and waited.

"This one is yours, I mean, they're the same but I want this one, I don't know I just…"

Yasuhara felt a blush creeping up his cheeks at Gene's mumbling.

"I have your honey!" Gene scrambled in his bag and pulled out a large resealable canning jar. He popped the lid open and turned it towards Yasuhara. "Try some!"

Yasuhara dipped his finger in, and then twisted it around as he pulled his finger out. He licked the golden gloop off, savouring the flavour.

"That is amazing."

"I know right? My girls do so well." Gene closed the jar and pushed it closer to Yasuhara. "Please share it with Mai. I'm so sorry for what my brother did. I never thought he'd do that."

Yasuhara swallowed.

"What was this whole thing about? I don't understand."

Gene groaned. He poured several sachets of sugar into his coffee and stirred it in.

"Okay, so I found that website and it was offering a free trial and I thought why not? You know? So I told Noll about it and so we willed in the form together. It was a laugh at the time, they ask some really daft question. But I was looking for someone, it turned out to be entirely useless. All my results were fe— Not what I was looking for. But Noll got Mai and I kind of dared him to go on a date with her. He doesn't really get out a lot and I thought that even if nothing came of it, it would be good for him. He's really socially awkward and relies a lot on me to… Translate? Between him and the rest of the world." Gene sighed and drank a little of his coffee. "But I think he got scared. I don't know. He turned it into some excuse to get our mum off his back. She's… A little overbearing when it comes to relationships and stuff. She really does mean well but I can understand why he'd get annoyed with it. So he revealed this plan to be so awkward on the date that Mai would leave and he'd have a 'true story to tell Luella'." Gene sighed again. "And then he came back and told me all the awful things he did." Gene shook his head in disgust. "I had no idea he was going to do all that. Really. I would have intervened."

"And he doesn't get that it was super weird?" Yasuhara asked, trying to comprehend Gene's long explanation.

"Oh he does, but in his eyes, the means justified the ends. I know he feels bad about it," Gene revealed. "But he's being stubborn right now because I pointed out some truths he didn't want to hear."

"Hmm…" Yasuhara sensed that asking more might be going too far.

"Will you tell Mai all this for me?"

"Sure."

Gene smiled his thanks and both men drank some of their coffee.

"You know, I was thinking," Gene said slowly. "We should get Noll and Mai here. If they get stuck together, maybe he'll apologise."

"Mai would hate me," Yasuhara stated.

"Noll would hate me too, but it might not be a bad idea."

"Okay."

Yasuhara pulled his phone out of his pocket and texted Mai.

"What are you doing?" Gene asked.

"Texting Mai, she'll turn up if I ask."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I mean I won't tell her you're here. Or that Oliver is going to turn up… But she'll come. How do we get your brother here?" Yasuhara asked.

Gene thought for a moment.

"How do you feel about lying?"

Ten minutes and a phone call later, Yasuhara put his phone down.

"I think he's coming… He hung up on me."

"Excellent," Gene said.

They sat in silence for a few moments.

"So all of this began because you were looking for a date?" Yasuhara asked, trying his luck, he only had so long before Mai and Oliver turned up.

"I guess so yeah. I haven't exactly been lucky in love. My last girlfriend threw me out so…"

Yasuhara frowned.

"How come?"

"Um…" Gene rubbed the back of his neck and looked around. "I… I didn't find her attractive and felt honesty would be best."

"Right?"

"I had never really found her attractive in _that_ way… Or… Or any other girl for that matter…" Gene mumbled towards the end of this sentence, oblivious to Yasuhara's growing smile.

"Well in that case," Yasuhara began, "How about we—"

"Noll! You made it! Hey!"

Yasuhara looked up to see Gene's doppelganger walking in.

"What," Oliver said, looking between Yasuhara and Gene.

"Come and sit down, do you want a drink? I'll get you one," Gene suggested.

"What happened to the 'being run over'?" Oliver demanded. He did not look happy.

"Oh, I ran him over on my bike," Yasuhara muttered, trying to hide his shame..

Oliver stared at Yasuhara.

"You're the one that phoned me," Oliver accused.

"Yes, Gene told me it was the best way to get you here. I'm Yasuhara." He offered his hand to Oliver, but Oliver ignored it.

"You tricked me."

"I'm fine by the way, maybe a bruise or two— Hey! Noll, come back!" Gene shouted after his retreating twin.

"I'm going home."

"No! Stay!" Gene grabbed Oliver's arm and dragged him back to the table. "Look you have to stay for another ten minutes and then you can go."

Oliver scowled.

"You have two minutes to convince me."

Gene and Yasuhara shared a look before Yasuhara grinned.

"We can work with that," Yasuhara said.

He pulled out his phone and sent a rapid text. Oliver narrowed his eyes at Yasuhara.

"I'll get you a drink, what do you want? Tea?" Gene offered quickly. Oliver nodded and Gene stood up.

"Get a pot to share," Yasuhara said. Gene gave a thumbs up and headed to the back of the queue. "I'm sorry for worrying you. It was Gene's idea."

"I know it was. I presume you know the story of the boy who cried wolf?"

"Point taken," Yasuhara said in an apologetic tone. "I'm sorry again."

Oliver looked away and his eyes widened.

"This is a set up."

Yasuhara looked around and spotted Mai.

"Ah, yes, well…"

Gene arrived with a tray, consisting of a teapot of earl grey tea and two tea cups.

"Ah, look who happens to be here!" he exclaimed. "What a coincidence!"

Mai walked through the doors of the cafe her face went blank. She glared at Yasuhara, then stomped over to the table and scowled.

"Really? First, you threaten to lick honey off of me and now this? I'm leaving." Mai turned on her heel and Yasuhara immediately reached out to grab her hand. He pulled her back into his lap. "Oi! Let me go!"

"No, we brought you tea now just sit down and drink it."

Mai shuffled into the seat, glanced at the teapot and poured herself a cup.

"If this is all some stupid plot to get me to apologise, I'm not going to," Oliver muttered.

Yasuhara tuned out to Mai and Oliver's voices and instead caught Gene's eye. He nodded towards the door as Mai began some tirade about manners or something. Yasuhara did not much care.

Gene nodded and smiled.

Silently, they slipped out of their seats and out of the cafe without so much as a word from Mai or Oliver.

"So, as you were saying before we were interrupted?" Gene asked.

"Nothing much important, but if you're interested… I could buy you lunch?"

Gene gaped at him for a moment, then a smile crept back onto his face.

"It's a date."

* * *

 **Author's note: So Mai returns next chapter with extra sass. Kinda.**


	8. Chapter 8: Mai

Mai stalked through the centre of town, vaguely headed towards the shopping centre. Yasuhara had dragged her all the way out here and for what? Did he not realise that _that man_ was an insufferable, rude, self-centred, narcissistic, uncaring arsehole?

Bristling with anger, she walked straight into H&M and then promptly walked straight out. She did not have time for their ridiculous sizing. Mai huffed and headed into Lush. She breathed in the wonderful smells. She sniffed at the shower gels. She _needed_ shower gel. Especially if it was supposed to help with relaxing.

She _needed_ to relax.

Yet she got no further than _Dirty Springwash_ when she spotted someone out of the window.

"You have got to be kidding me."

Oliver made eye contact with her, and instead of walking away, he like really, really ought to have, he walked towards her.

Mai refrained from swearing only due to the presence of small children in the vicinity. Instead, she decided to get this whole thing over with. She met Oliver just outside the door.

"What do you want?"

"Gene isn't answering his phone, can you phone your friend and ask if he knows where he is?"

Mai took a deep breath.

"Sure," she said, pulling her phone out and calling Yasuhara. She put the phone to her ear and silently begged Yasuhara to pick her up and put her out of her misery. He did not pick up. "Shit. No answer. Sorry." She forced a smile and tried to walk away.

"Try again," Oliver said, putting a hand up to stop her going anywhere.

"No, he's not going to pick up," Mai replied, trying again to get past him.

"Please?"

"Look, it's not going to work. If you don't let me past I am going to arrest you."

Oliver frowned.

"Why would you arrest me?"

"For getting in my way!" Mai exclaimed, hands in fists.

Oliver dropped his hand and Mai stalked off.

"I'm not sure that's a legitimate reason for a citizen's arrest," he said, following after Mai.

"One of the terms for citizen's arrest is 'causing damage'. You are damaging my mental capacity not to punch you in the face," Mai spat back. "And who said it was a citizen's arrest? I will arrest you for assaulting a police officer."

Oliver's frown deepened.

"I didn't know you were a police officer."

"I know you don't. Because you didn't let me answer any single question about myself." Mai looked around to see Oliver still following. "Will you please leave me alone?"

"I want to apologise for what happened."

This stopped Mai dead in her tracks.

"What?" She stuck her finger in her ear and poggled it. "Did I hear that correctly?"

"Yes."

Mai turned to face him and waited, arms folded.

"I am sorry for what I did on the date. I would like to offer to pay for your ripped shirt."

"I accept your apology and reject your payment offer. Please leave me alone."

Mai turned away and tried to focus her mind on where she needed to go.

"Alright."

Mai stopped for a split second, then continued walking. She managed to walk past two shops before her phone started buzzing.

"Hey," she answered the call. "Oh hi, Yasuhara. Yeah, I left that prat and then he caught up with me and demanded that I call you because he couldn't reach Gene." She paused to listen. "No. Just get him to call him!" She listened again. "Why on earth doesn't he know his number? No— No! Don't you dare pull the police officer card on me! He is not a lost little boy. He is a grown adult." She paused again. "I hate you."

She hung up and stalked back in the direction that she came from, eyes peeled for any sign of Oliver. Gene, it transpired, had run out of battery on his phone and could not remember Oliver's number, which meant _she_ had to go searching for him.

"Where has he gone?" Mai asked herself. She had half a mind to go to the customer services and ask them to put an announcement out.

Fortunately, Oliver had not gone far. She spotted him through the window of the nearest Waterstones. He stood, cradling a book, eyes fixed on the page and evidently concentrating.

She stomped up to him and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Yasuhara phoned me back. He wanted me to find you so just wait here, I'll ring him back."

Oliver nodded and kept reading. Mai redialed Yasuhara's number and waited for him to pick up. Yasuhara did not pick up.

Mai swore. Loudly.

Several mothers in the vicinity tutted.

"He didn't answer?" Oliver presumed.

"He's doing this to torture me, I swear."

"No, I think you'll find that Gene is asking him to do it," Oliver muttered. "To torture me."

Mai sighed.

"In summary, they hate us."

"Gene would argue he does it from a place of 'love', but really, just leave. I know my way home," Oliver said.

"But then Yasuhara will call me back and guilt me into finding you again! He pulled the 'lost little boy' card and the 'you're a police officer it's your job' card," Mai protested. "I am waiting right here until he calls. Then I am going home because I need a nap."

Mai flopped into a chair and sighed.

"I am hardly little," Oliver muttered.

"You're shorter than Yasuhara, in his books, that makes you little."

"So what does that make you? Minute?"

"Ha ha. Yasuhara calls me a 'midget' if you must know."

"You're above the legal height limit for a midget if it makes you feel any better," Oliver replied.

"It doesn't. You try doing police training when everyone is literally twice your size. Half of the people could turn around and pick me up like a twig."

Oliver frowned.

"So how come you managed to pass?"

"Because I worked really fucking hard, that's how."

Mai knew there was no reason to swear, but her frustration had reached boiling point.

"There is a cafe in this bookshop, do you want some tea?" Oliver asked. "I hear it reduces stress."

Mai opened her mouth to refuse, but she couldn't bring herself to turn down tea.

"Yeah, alright then," she mumbled, "But just one cup."

* * *

 **Author's note: Poor Mai is just so done with this day already. *sigh* Right, I will not be updating tomorrow in all likelihood because I am going to London and don't have enough time to write much to my chagrin. I will try my best to update Sunday, but if not, then Monday!**

 **Also, please everyone go and check out Beegene's new fic 'The Town of Cats', it's Yasune and I love it.**

 **Also. To the anon that doesn't like that I keep writing AUs with Oliver as a physicist or that I write Yasune: IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, DON'T READ IT. Like seriously. I write for fun. There is plenty of other good fics out there that do not have these things. Have you read FrenchCirce's Pride, Narcissism and Prejudice? Or CSakuraS's The Ghost of Gifford Library? Or literally EVERY OTHER FIC OUT THERE?!**

 **I'm not gonna stop writing Mairu/Yasune AUs. I like them. They make me happy. I share them with you all in the hope they make you guys happy too.**

 ***flops* I'm exhausted**


	9. Chapter 9: Oliver

One cup of tea turned into two pots shared between them. To begin with, neither of them talked much. Mai was consumed with her tea, letting the warmth and subtle flavour calm her. Oliver had located yet another book and buried his nose in it.

"So how big _is_ infinity?" Mai asked, reading the title.

"I haven't got to that chapter yet. This chapter regards imaginary numbers," Oliver replied.

"I never got imaginary numbers. Like I got how to use them and stuff, but it's not like they were actually imaginary. Like they were just different, you know?" Mai mused.

"Yes, the archaic naming is somewhat problematic to understanding," Oliver agreed. "You studied mathematics?"

"Only until A level. I needed it for my degree."

"What did you study?"

"Criminology and Psychology," Mai said. "My job now is primarily dealing with suspects with mental health conditions. Sometimes I just act as an advisory to the interrogator, or sometimes I takeover, depending on severity."

Oliver nodded, and returned to his book.

"Are you going to buy that?" Mai asked.

"Probably not, I will have finished it by the time we've finished our tea," Oliver replied.

"This isn't a library."

"But why would I buy a book that I have finished?"

"To support the writer?" Mai suggested. "If not you, who?"

"If not now, when…" Oliver finished the quote. "Are you jewish?"

"Huh?"

"That quote is from Hillel the Elder, a jewish figure," Oliver said.

"Oh, no… No, I'm not jewish. I read the quote on a motivational tumblr blog and I like it."

"Tumblr?"

"It's a blogging platform."

"Yes, I think I've heard of it," Oliver murmured. "I think Gene has one, I think he uses it for cat videos."

"I can believe it," Mai replied with a laugh. "Cat videos are the basis for the internet."

"Gene shares that opinion it seems. I personally find it more useful for communicating and researching."

Mai frowned.

"So you don't want cat videos? Like at all?"

"No."

"What about puppy videos?"

"No."

"What about the ones where dogs protect small children?"

"No."

"Or the ones where pets greet people coming back after a long time?"

"No."

Mai blinked several times, then pinched her arm.

"You've never seen these?"

"That's what I just said, isn't it?"

Mai shook her head in disbelief.

"But they're so cute."

Oliver frowned and downed his book.

"And this provides you with some kind of relief?"

"It's just a nice distraction from my job, you know? Seeing something so innocent and pure. Young kittens struggle to walk or climb on things and..."

Mai smiled, oblivious to Oliver's stares.

"Forget my brother, I am going to head home."

Mai started and frowned.

"Oh."

"Apologies for the communication errors," Oliver said.

He walked away, book still in hand. Mai watched him head to the checkout where he paid for it. Oliver gave a slight nod in her direction as he left.

Oliver headed straight for home, walking the same route he had come but at a much slower pace. A warm feeling had settled in his chest and he did not like it.

When he reached his and Gene's shared flat, he locked himself in his room and pulled up his computer. He opened up a browser and loaded YouTube.

 **Cat videos**

Oliver clicked the first link and watched with a vested interest. Yet his brows furrowed. Why was a cat drinking water from a tap funny? Or a cat fighting with a dog?

He tried again.

 **Kitten videos**

He picked the first one, which consisted of pathetically small kittens vying for attention. He did not want to use the word 'cute' but could not think of another appropriate term.

A knock on the door startled Oliver.

"What do you want?"

"Why is your door locked?" Gene's voice called back. "Are you masturbating?"

"I am not dignifying that with an answer."

Oliver slid his chair over and unlocked the door. Gene entered and plopped down on the bed.

"Why are you watching kitten videos?"

"Apparently they are the basis for the internet and I had yet to experience them."

"I swear I told you that ages ago," Gene muttered.

"And?"

"And what did Mai say to convince you to _actually_ look at them?"

"Nothing. But repeated assurance—"

"Oh my, you actually like her, don't you?" Gene insisted.

"No—"

"You do! You're blushing!"

"No, I'm not."

Gene pulled Oliver's chair so that it was in front of the full length mirror on the back of the door.

"Look at your face. You are blushing."

Oliver looked and scowled. His cheeks had betrayed him.

"It's warm in here," he said quickly.

"Give it up, Noll," Gene teased. "It's okay to like someone. Mai's nice!"

"Who told you that? Yasuhara? You were getting very close," Oliver said.

"Don't think you can turn this around on me. He's taking me to dinner on Monday and I am thrilled about that so teasing is not going to work." Oliver scowled again. "So are you going to ask her out?"

"No."

"Why not?" Gene asked.

"Because she won't say 'yes'. I treated her awfully. I would not blame her in the slightest."

Oliver rolled his chair back to his desk and exited YouTube.

"But she knows now that you were just being an arse for the sake of it. Say you want to make it up to her by taking her on a proper date!" Gene leant forwards on the bed. "What's the worst that happens? She says 'no'? You've got to at least try."

"No, I don't."

Gene sighed.

"If you don't try, I'll tell Mum the full story."

Oliver sent a look that could have frozen the earth's core in Gene's direction.

"Just something to think about," Gene mumbled as he stood up and left the room.

Oliver did not say anything. He reopened his browser and loaded Facebook. He took him all of twenty seconds to find Mai. He clicked the 'message' button and let his fingers hover over the keyboard.

 _Hi._

He grimaced and deleted it.

 _Hello._

"No."

He deleted that too.

 _Hey Mai, thank you for having tea with me today._

And again, he deleted it. Oliver let his head droop down onto the desk.

 _Hi Mai, I know I have no right to ask this, but would you give me another chance at a first date?_

Oliver looked at the words on his screen, hated them, and his send anyway.

He sat back in his chair with a groan, before getting up. Dinner. He needed to do something. He could cook. Or something.

And maybe later, he would look into getting a cat.

* * *

 **Author's note: I failed to update yesterday but I finished this today so woop!**


	10. Chapter 10: Mai

The following Wednesday, Yasuhara found himself slouching on Mai's sofa and eating ice cream.

"...And then, he went cross eyed and tried to focus on the cream on his nose and it was so cute," Yasuhara gushed. "Seriously. I am in love. Gene is perfect."

"You went on one date," Mai deadpanned.

"If you count lunch on Saturday then two dates."

"Does he count it?"

"I don't care. He's perfect either way."

Mai rolled her eyes, but laughed nonetheless.

"You're ridiculous," she mumbled.

"Oh! That reminds me! Did Oliver message you?" Yasuhara asked.

"What?"

"Gene said that Oliver was thinking about messaging you," Yasuhara explained. "That he wanted to ask for a second chance or something?"

"Why would he want that?"

"I don't know. But did he?"

Mai shrugged.

"I shut down my account—"

"No, on Facebook."

Mai sighed, realising that Yasuhara had no intention of letting this drop, and grabbed her laptop from the coffee table. She opened the lid, inputted her password and loaded up a browser.

Facebook's address auto-completed.

Both Mai and Yasuhara's eyes were drawn to the little '1' notification on the messages tab.

Mai clicked on it and up popped a message.

 **You and Oliver Davis aren't connected on Facebook.**

 _ **Hi Mai, I know I have no right to ask this, but would you give me another chance at a first date?**_

"Oh shit."

The expletive dropped from Mai's mouth.

"He actually did it!" Yasuhara exclaimed. "I have to tell Gene."

"No! Don't!" Mai made to grab for Yasuhara's phone, but found she didn't need to. He had made no further attempts to use it.

"Why not?"

"Because! I don't know what to do!"

Yasuhara's mouth dropped open.

"You're actually considering it?"

"No!" Mai insisted. "Maybe? It's just he was so much more normal on Saturday and he sent this on Saturday and I ignor—"

"Not seeing it until today isn't ignoring if you didn't know it was there."

"—But he doesn't know that!" Mai finished.

"So you're gonna agree out of guilt?" Yasuhara asked. "No. Don't go. I forbid you."

"But—"

"Going out of guilt or pity is just mean, Mai. Gene said he sent that because he actually kind of liked you. If you're just gonna agree because you think it'd be mean to refuse, then don't go. Just let him down nicely and move on."

Mai stalled, taken in by the gravity in Yasuhara's tone.

"I… I don't know what to do…" Mai mumbled pathetically.

"Eat your ice cream. You don't have to reply to him now."

"But he'll see that I've seen it!"

"So?"

"So!" Mai pouted, unable to think of coherent words. "So I don't want to be mean."

"Really? After the way he treated you?" Yasuhara asked.

"Okay, just because he was an idiot, doesn't mean I am going to be mean," Mai protested.

"That didn't stop you before," Yasuhara pointed out.

"That was different."

"How?" Yasuhara raised an eyebrow at her.

"It. It just was. Okay?"

"You like him!" Yasuhara accused. "Whatever he did on Saturday changed your mind!"

"Don't be—"

"If you didn't like him, you'd have said no straight away," Yasuhara pointed out.

"I hate you."

"Really?" Yasuhara asked. Mai scowled. "So what changed your mind?"

"I don't know… He just…" Mai screwed her face up as she thought. "He listened."

"What?"

"Like… He was reading this book while we were in the bookshop cafe, and he wasn't going to buy it but I pointed out that he should support the author, because he obviously enjoyed the book, and then he went and bought it after."

Yasuhara looked unimpressed.

"Seriously? You like him because he _listened_ to you? Do you realise how pathetic that is? Like that is the basic level of human decency!"

"And why do you like Gene so much?" Mai shot back.

"Because he's cute and makes me laugh, duh."

"Yeah well I've literally only had one civilised conversation with Oliver so—"

"So you're going to accept his offer of a date?" Yasuhara suggested.

Mai groaned.

"I hate you. Fine. Yes."

She scowled at Yasuhara again and then began typing.

 _Hi, sorry I only just saw this! And yeah, I'd like to give it another chance. But if you do anything weird again I am just leaving out the front door this time!_

Much to Mai's horror, Oliver replied relatively speedily.

 _ **Yes, we don't want you ripping all your tops, do we? How about Friday at 8PM?**_

 _Sure._

They agreed on a new restaurant and bid each other adieu.

"Mai has a date! Mai has a date!" Yasuhara sang.

Mai poked him in the side.

"Shut up."

"Look, I need you to get on with my future husband's brother. The family get togethers will be awkward otherwise."

Mai rolled her eyes.

"Seriously. You have had _one_ date."

"And I am seriously telling you that _Gene is perfect_ ," Yasuhara insisted. "We are going to get married and adopt some gorgeous little babies and—"

"Is that what is going on in that head of yours? How do you ever manage to do your job?"

"Did I tell you that he's going to introduce me to his bees?"

"What?"

"Remember the whole honey thing? Oh I never shared that with you… He gave me honey to share with you as an apology but it's in my kitchen so—"

"Get to the point."

"So at dinner on Monday he seriously invited me to his parents house to meet his bees—"

"And his parents?"

"I guess so, yeah."

"You've been on _one date!_ " Mai repeated.

"Mai, you just don't understand." Yasuhara shook his head slowly with a dreamy look in his eyes.

"No, I don't," Mai agreed with a sigh.

"Although I would like to point out that he said that his bees' opinion matters more than his parents'..."

"Really?"

"Yeah, he loves his bees. They're saving the planet."

"I'm not gonna ask."

Yasuhara laughed.

"But if you get stuck for topics on Friday, ask Oliver about painting the beehive."

Mai gave Yasuhara a puzzled expression and put her laptop away.

"I'm going to get more ice cream. Pick another film or something."

"How about the Bee Movie?"

"If you mention the word 'bee' again, I am going to stab you."

"Is that an admission of guilt there, Officer Taniyama?"

Mai threw a cushion at Yasuhara and left in search of ice cream with a smile on her face.

* * *

 **Author's note: So I have one more chapter after this and then I'm gonna start on a new better more fun actually well written piece honest. Shout out to Beegene for her editing and encouragement and y'all should go read her Bees story because all the bee mentions come from that so you gotta.**


	11. Chapter 11: Oliver

On the basis that Mai did not leave during their second first-date, Oliver surmised that it went well. She had allowed him to walk her home. That was promising, right?

"So, this is me," Mai said, pointing to her building.

"Right," Oliver said. He frowned. "Well."

"Do you want to come in?"

"For what purpose?"

"Ice cream?"

Oliver's frown deepened.

"I don't like ice cream."

"Tea?" Mai offered.

"Am I to take it that this means you don't want to end this courtship here?" Oliver asked.

"Well definitely not in general if you're not free tonight," Mai said with a smile. "When you're not deliberately being an arse, you're not that bad."

"I'll take that as a compliment," Oliver replied with a chuckle. "But I really ought to get back. Perhaps we should give in to Gene's suggestion of a double date?"

Mai groaned.

"Seriously, Yasuhara has been acting like they're getting married next week."

"Then we can suffer the idiots together."

"Sounds good." Mai smiled and rocked back and forth on her feet for a moment. "Well, I better head in so…"

"Gene told me if this went well I had to kiss you," Oliver stated. "Do you want me to?"

"Do you want to?"

"I'm open to trying these things."

Mai leant forwards and gently pressed her lips to Oliver's cheek.

"Goodnight, Oliver."

She turned and headed inside. Oliver raised a hand to his cheek, touching the point where her lips had touched his skin. He smiled and walked away.

When he reached home, Gene greeted him with an expression reminiscent of an over excited puppy.

"Well? How did it go?"

"Mai said she'd come to your stupid double date idea," Oliver replied.

"So you didn't do anything stupid?"

Oliver rolled his eyes.

"No. I have enough brainpower to eliminate stupid activities from my—"

"Did you kiss?"

Oliver narrowed his eyes.

"No…"

"You had to think about that," Gene accused. "What technicality are you getting out of giving an affirmative answer?"

"I did not kiss Mai."

"So she kissed you?"

"Yes."

Gene squealed and grabbed a cushion to hug.

"That's so cute!" Oliver rolled his eyes. "I'm gonna tell Mum, she's gonna be thrilled."

Oliver scowled.

"Why?"

"Because Yasuhara and I won't be producing grandchildren any time soon so—"

"You're an idiot."

"Noll, do you need a biology lesson on why two men can't have child—"

"I think you'll find," Oliver interrupted, "That if you put a fertilised fetus next to a man's intestine—"

"Neither of us are doing that. And we'll need to be a lot more stable before anyone let's us adopt so—"

"I have had _one_ date with Mai. We're not having children," Oliver insisted.

"Yes, but Mum won't see it that way, will she?" Gene pointed out.

Oliver sighed.

"I regret all of this."

"Oh, and you know you agreed to this double date thing?" Gene went on. Oliver nodded. "It might be at Mum and Dad's… I need to introduce Yasuhara to my girls. I think I should run Mai by them too. If they don't approve, then you can't date her."

"Excuse me?"

"If my bees do not like Mai, you can't date her. Or have children with her. Or anything," Gene said, deadly serious.

"You're an idiot."

"But you love me."

Oliver did not say anything. Perhaps this had all turned out alright after all.

* * *

The big moment had come. Mai and Yasuhara and been approved by Martin and Luella — although Mai and Luella got on far too well for Oliver's liking — and now they were going to meet Gene's bees.

"Shouldn't we be suiting up or something?" Mai asked as she trailed behind Yasuhara.

"Nah," Gene said. "They'll only hurt you if you're a bad egg."

"You talk as if you have them trained to sniff out weirdos," Yasuhara mumbled.

"Not weirdos, just bad people," Gene rectified. "Our mum hired a cleaner this one time and they stung her and it turned out she'd been stealing stuff. So they know their stuff."

Both Mai and Yasuhara regarded the beehive with apprehension. Oliver, who had followed only to escape his mother, rolled his eyes.

"Well, it is beautifully painted," Mai teased, looking at Oliver out of the side of her eye.

Oliver scowled, then smiled as Mai laughed.

"So what do we do?" Yasuhara asked. "Just walk up to it?"

"Yeah, pretty much," Gene agreed.

"I really shouldn't have worn a bright t-shirt," Mai muttered. "Right, let's get this over with. I've been tasered before, how bad can a bee sting be?"

The three young men watched as Mai marched right up to the beehive and stood next to it, hands balled into fists and her face screwed up in a vain attempt to protect her eyes.

A few bees lazily flew out of the hive and away, taking absolutely no notice of Mai.

"So do I pass?" Mai asked, eyes still shut.

"I think so," Gene said with a smile.

Everyone looked to Yasuhara who groaned and walked towards where Mai stood. Once beside her, he eyed the hive nervously.

A single bee flew out and towards him. Yasuhara's eyes opened in horror, but he did not move. Everyone watched as the bee flew once around him and then continued on its journey.

Yasuhara sighed a breath of relief.

"That one definitely wasn't sure about you," Mai teased. "Perhaps you should wait here a little longer just in—"

"Nope, she approved. I'm out of here!"

Yasuhara took off back across the lawn towards Gene and Oliver, Mai following in his wake.

"Wait up!"

"Boys! Bring your guests in, it's time for cake!" Luella called from the house.

The quartet of young adults headed back, all laughing — well, all except Oliver, who deigned to smile — and looking forward to a future together.

* * *

 **Author's note: Ta-da! All done! Go read Beegene's Bees fic because it's cute I am listening to her right now planning the ending and it's gonna be so cute and like just do it okay?! All of your reviews were so sweet, thank you so much I don't deserve such kind words so I'm gonna go and write something decent that actually deserves decent reviews!**


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